Fail Blog

Lest anyone out there think my cooking and preserving and such is one long string of rosy victories, I present to you today’s Fail Blog: Do Not Try This At Home. Hey, even Babe Ruth struck out a lot, right? 🙂 If you have suggestions, bring ’em on!

Entry #1: Whole wheat crackers

This was actually a couple weeks ago, and I forget the recipe (probably out of a sense of self-preservation). It was basically flour, oil, water, and salt, and it tasted baaaaaaaaaad. Like, “throw it under the birdfeeder and even THEY won’t eat it” bad. Way too heavy, way too oily, way too hard and crunchy. I’m thinking some kind of leavening is necessary. An actual rolling pin might also be useful; these were kinda thick because I used a water glass to smoosh them flat.

Entry #2: Pickled ginger carrots

These actually taste fantastic…I just can’t keep the kahm yeast from colonizing the top of the jar after a couple weeks in the fridge. I’m going to try one more variation, where I pickle them right in the jar with the lid on instead of in a crock, but if this doesn’t work, I might not plan to keep these as a storage vegetable. Pickle and eat, quick-like, before they go bad. Carrots are too expensive and the process is too bit labor-intensive to waste.

Entry #3:Rice milk custard

The no-sugar regimen is actually going quite well, but I find myself craving things like custard and ice cream. I think it’s not so much the sugar as the concentrated calories and fat. I’ve lost about 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Some of that was “bloat” but I don’t exactly have a lot more to lose. So custard seemed like just the thing*.  I’m also off dairy for the time being, and I have a case of rice milk, so…sure! Why not!

Well, “why not” is because rice milk custard is icky. It did eventually set after 90 minutes or so, but not very firmly. It also tastes “thin” and is the most unattractive color because I threw some blueberries in it. I haven’t made anything that particular shade of sludge-gray since the Purple Cabbage Paella Incident of ’89. I’ve done a decent custard with soy milk; I’m also thinking almond or hazelnut milk might work, having more protein and fat than the rice milk. *sigh*

* And also a rather obscene amount of pork rinds**.

** Don’t worry, Mom, my cholesterol is under 120 and my BP is 110/65 ! And it’s temporary!



  1. Momster said,

    July 11, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    Guess I won’t mention the nice panna cotta w/blueberry “soup” we had last night……I’ll see your 110/65 and raise you 90/55!

  2. Derrick said,

    July 11, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    A month or so ago, I had a wonderful idea to make a “pickled sweet and sour watermelon rind pie”

    Let’s just say there was only one slice ever taken out of it.

    I’m excited right now though…I’m currently fermenting my first-ever batch of sauerkraut. It’s sitting in the crock as I type this. The brine looks a little cloudy, and there’s no “stuff” floating on the top yet (as of day 2 1/2) for me to clean off. I don’t want to mess this one up; I really wanted sauerkraut!

  3. mandi said,

    July 12, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    good for you and all your experimenting! i love throwing new stuff together in the kitchen. i made up a cracker recipe the other day and used baking powder in it. just a small amount. maybe spelt flour would be nice, lighter (but really sticky). about the dairy dilemma, have you tried hemp milk? it’s really high in protein and really yummy! it actually has a flavor, as opposed to rice milk.

  4. Erica said,

    July 25, 2008 at 12:11 am

    I make a custard with honey, eggs, milk, salt, and cinnamon. You could probably substitute the milk for coconut milk. It’s worth a try!

  5. nancylamka said,

    June 5, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    I am going to give the almond milk a try for custard. Also, I will use steevia. We will see what will happen! NL

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